You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
