I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
