i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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