apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
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