i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
