So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
