Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
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