You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
