Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
