I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
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I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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