Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
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I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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