Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
