The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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