if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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