I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
