When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
