I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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