i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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