Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
