So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
