She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
