Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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