if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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