You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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