My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He shit in the fireplace
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