Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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