I got chris browned last night
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
