It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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