I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
