the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
