Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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