I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
