if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
from now on my penis is your penis
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
