I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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