I checked into jail on foursquare
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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