genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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