epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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