I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
