we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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