i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
