She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Can you bring me the toilet please
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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