Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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