dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
