i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize