I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
