I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
