i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize