Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
