Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
