There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
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That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
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Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
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