Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
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No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
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Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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