ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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