you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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