then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
