I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
