Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
