If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
